Buckle up because the 2028 Democratic primary just got its first major dose of unintentional comedy. After a fifteen month silence following a billion dollar debt inducing loss, the infamous Kamala HQ account on X has crawled back into the light. This morning the account dropped a 28 second video officially rebranding itself as HQ or as the newly minted Substack calls it headquarters.news.

The Glitch in the Matrix

The rollout began on February 1 with a cryptic video of a login attempt that felt less like a political teaser and more like an ARG gone wrong. In a moment of absolute tonal deafness the video displayed a failed password attempt: thebabysitterisweird. For those who remember the 2024 cycle that is a bold choice considering the headlines surrounding Doug Emhoff’s past. Whether it was a jab at the current administration or just a complete lack of self awareness from her digital team it set the stage for what was to come.

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Same Suit New Cackle

The actual rebrand video features Kamala in her signature pantsuit (shout out to Hilldog) delivering what is ostensibly an “impromptu” message. It has all the hallmarks of the first campaign:

• The Scripted Spontaneity: It feels about as natural as a cardboard cutout.
• The Vague Messaging: She rambles about meeting “leaders” on the platform without actually saying what the platform does.
• The “Normal Person” Act: Closing with “I will see you out there” as if she is just another person scrolling through her feed at a local coffee shop.

The move to link this to a Substack called “Headquarters” is particularly rich. Billed as a “Gen-Z led progressive content hub” it is a transparent attempt to maintain a campaign arm under the guise of a “news site.” It is the same strategy that saw her waste astronomical amounts of cash on the Las Vegas Dome and celebrity cameos only to end the night in the red. By the way, she is so popular that 30 mins after her first post on the page, there was 46 likes, 11 comments and 11 “restacks”. How many of those were her staff? Thats not a good start for the former Vice President.

The Hair Gel Incident

While conservatives are popping champagne at the prospect of a Kamala 2.0 sequel the real drama is likely unfolding in Sacramento. Rumor has it a jar of high end hair gel may have met a swift end against a wall in the California State Capitol today.

Gavin Newsom has spent the last year treating the country like his personal 2028 runway. From his “Red State Book Tour” to his recent appearance at the World Economic Forum in Davos where he was seen rubbing more than proverbial elbows with Alex Soros. Gavin has been the de facto leader of the party in exile. He has been playing the “I am the only one who can take on Trump” card while his own approval ratings at home and in recent Rasmussen polls suggest otherwise.

Now he has to deal with the “Cackling Queen” re-entering the arena. We now have two objective losers of the Democratic establishment vying for the spotlight. One thinks a Substack and a 2024 retread will save her and the other thinks Davos stunts and knee pad jokes are the path to the White House.

The Best and the Brightest?

If this is the best the Democrats have for 2028 then the next few years are going to be a goldmine for political commentary. It is like your favorite bourbon being back on the shelf: you know it is going to lead to a hangover but you cannot wait to pour a glass and consume copious amounts.

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